S. Petersburg. On 4 August-me.
I have not given you my news since we went to camp; and really I could not succeed with all the good will possible; imagine yourself a tent that 3 arshins in length and breadth and 2½ height, occupied by three people and all their baggage, all their armor, as: sabres, rifles, chakos etc., etc. - the weather was horrible, rain that was not finished, often we passed 2 days without power to dry our clothes; and yet this life I was not entirely displeased; you know, Dear friend, I always had a penchant for very strong rain and mud, and now thank God I came in completely.
- We are back in town, and soon recommence our occupations; the only thing that sustains me, is the idea that in a year I am an officer. - So what, then - good god ...! If you knew the life I propose to lead!.. Oh, it will be charming: first, quirks, follies of all kinds, and poetry drowned in champagne: - I know you will cry out; but unfortunately, the time of my dreams is gone; le temps de croire n’est plus; I need some material pleasures, a palpable happiness, a happiness that is bought with gold, that one carries in his pocket as a snuffbox, a happiness that does not make sense that deceive my leaving my soul tranquil and inactive!.. This is what I need now, and you realize, Dear friend, I have changed somewhat since we separated; when I saw my dreams escape, I told myself that it was not worth the trouble to make other; It would be better, I thought, learn to do without; I tried; I looked like a drunk who gradually task to wean wine; - my efforts were not useless, and soon I saw in the past a program of adventures trivial and very common. But talk about other things; - you tell me that Prince T. his wife and sister are very pleased with each other, I do not add full faith, because I think I know the character of both, and your sister does not seem very willing to bid, and it seems that gentleman is not a lamb! - I wish this dummy calm lasts as long as possible - but I do know predict anything good. - It's not that I find you lack of penetration; but I rather think, you did not tell me what you think; and it is very natural; because now if my assumptions are true, you do not even need to say: Yes. - What do you do in the countryside? Your neighbors are fun, kind, numerous? Here are some questions that you will seem to be made without any serious intent!
In a year, perhaps, I will come to see you; and what changes I do not find? - do you recognize, and will you do? - And me, what role I'll play? Will it be a fun time, for you, or embarrassment for both of us? For I warned you, I'm not the same, I do not feel, I no longer speak the same way, and god knows I still become in a year; - my life so far has been a series of disappointments, that make me laugh now, laugh at myself and others; I've only scratched all pleasures, and without having enjoyed, I am disgusted.
- But this is a sad topic I try not to bring back another time; when you announce me to Moscow, dear ... - I count on your steadfastness; adieu;
M. Read…
M. BUT. Lopukhina (4 August 1833 r. From St. Petersburg to Moscow)
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